Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Thin Line

Babies babies babies!!!! They are every where! My cousin's, Jason's cousin's, best friends, friends of friends, class mates, and the list goes on and on. It seems like everytime I turn around someone is having a baby EXCEPT us. This of course brings emotions of all kind. I am truely happy for these people but am I?

I have never been one to be jealous, I have always been happy with what I had and if I really wanted something, I knew if I worked hard enough, I could acheive. Unfortunatly, some things are out of our control. I am infertile! What control do I really have?

Maybe that is where the pain comes from everytime I know someone close to me is pregnant. Why? I am happy for that person. Am I jelous? Do I envy them? The more baby announcements I get, the stronger this feeling gets. I want that to be our announcement. Will it be us one day? All the queastions that run through my head. Maybe its the knowledge that may never be us.

Then their is the guilt of not feeling happy for them. The guilt of being upset and crying when this is the most wonderful thing to happen to them. Who is this person? I dont want to be that person. So, I hide how I really feel and embrace their pregnancy. I do whatever I can for them.

"We all recognize the right of infertiles to bubble over with anger simply thinking about the unfit parents. The drug addicts, abusers and Lohans of this world who never should have been given children to begin with." I read this on another maternal envy's blog and it made me remember the other emotion. Anger.

You then start comparing yourself to these people and wonder why God chooses them instead of you. You know he has a plan for you and you believe he wont give you more then you can handle but why? You just dont understand why I child would be given to someone that doesnt deserve them and that child has to suffer.

Then, there is the uncomfortable part. When you are face to face with babies and moms or you are with that friend or family that just had their bundle of joy and you put on that brave face but deep down inside you are crying.

I am not at the point of not being able to attend family events or baby showers but I do know some of my friends are. I hope I will never reach that point but I know sometimes, I really just dont want to deal with the emotions that day could bring.

Then there is the name, the name that Jason and you have planned to name your baby boy or girl since the day you had hope. The risk of someone taking that from you before you could because it so much easier for everyone else then you. Uggg, it happened and it hurt. I think that was the biggest emotion of all. The emotion of falure. I had failed my husband, my mom, his mom, my sisters, and best friends. I have cheated them out of grandkids, nieces and nephews. Its all my fault.

So, am I jelous? Yes! Am I hurt? yes! Am I angry? yes! Can I fix it? yes!

I have known all along this was not in my control. There was only one person that could make this happen for Jason and I. We know that and we believe that. We also know there is the chance this may not be in his plan for us.

I have relized after many bundles of joys of all my friends and families, it wasn’t that I was upset because they were pregnant. It was just that I wanted to be pregnant with them.

It’s a thin green line between bitterness and envy, one that I’m not too anxious to cross. Because as much as it may seem simpler some days to push away anyone who could ever even possibly beat me to the baby making punch; who would that leave to celebrate with me the day I finally get my good news?

I dont want to be lonely because I was incapable of staying behind that thin green line. And I don’t want those I love to feel as though I’ve lost my ability to be happy for them.

So in the interim (between now and my own two pink lines), I will hold back my feelings. Which I feel I have done quite well as of now.

At least until my turn comes around.

Friday, September 24, 2010

GTL: Gym, Tan, Laundry

Seriously, doesnt it make you mad. Why is it not WGTL...where is the W for work? They make $60,000 an episode and if you dont know who they is, its Jersey Shore. GTL stands for gym, tan, and laundry. I happen to watch the show before going to work this morning and while I am at work I started thinking about it. A guy that people know for his abs and ridiculous nickname, "the situation" gets 6 figures for his autobiography. This is what this world has come too. We are more interested in watching people that make up sayings for things that already have words and have crazy nicknames like J WOWWW and Snoookie then about politics and education. Then we all wonder why are kids dont know who the Vice President is or what the senate is. We also have kids starving and people needing help but someone is paying these kids millions of dollars for appearances. Does anyone else not see the problem?

Well, back to reality. Jason and I have started thinking about trying again. I think enough time has passed since loosing baby nugget and we are just ready to try again. Since working out I have had 2 periods on my own. Not regular but hey, its something. I use to have nothing. I go to my OBGYN next week to see if she will put me back on Clomid. I figure we will start small and go big again. Maybe with the weight loss, I may not need to go and have another IVF. Lord willing, maybe my body will treat me better then last time. I bought a ovulation watch because I heard with PCOS they are the best bet. We will see....everyone please keep Jason and I in your prayers. We are waiting on God to tell us what he wants to do and this just seems right for some reason.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

and still counting....

June 2010....


Well, the goal of being fit and young again is still happening. Jason has lost about 27 pounds and looks handsome as ever. I have lost 15 pounds and feel amazing. I am now in a size ten which when I started I was a size 14. That is a huge deal for me. I have not been taking progesterone and off metformine and I naturally started my period this month. What? Yes, I started all on my own. That just doesnt happen so I am excited and feel that my body fat decreasing is truly helping my hormones. I continue to pray.....

We recently went on the most amazing and needed vacation. Jason and I go on vacations every year but this was the first one with just me and him and honestly, it was amazing! I believe every couple needs to get away sometimes and step back and realize how much you mean to each other. We went on a cruise out of San Juan to Barbados, Antigua, St Lucia, and St Croix. I have photos on my facebook. I will try to copy the album for all to see.

After the vacation, one of my best friends was asking how the vacation was and stated that Jason and I deserved it. I asked her what she meant by that and she stated that it was crazy where we were a year ago and how much has changed in a year. I thought for a minute what she meant and then I realized just how strong our love has grown for each other through all our trial and tributes. Jason and I have gone through so much in our first 4 years of marriage. I know it has made us the strong couple we are today. I am so proud of my husband for the man he has become and I couldn't be more blessed. I love him and our live that we have created. I love that our family has stuck by us through everything and have helped us create the life we have. I know God had his reason taking our first from us and I know when he is ready he will bless us with a beautiful baby and until that day, I am just enjoying all he has given me.

Really, if you have thought you wish things were different...think about what you are asking. Look at those that have it different and are they really better off then you are? I really do feel for those that take marriage for granted and take the "easy road" when times get tough. Love your spouse unconditionally and realize that God made none of us perfect. Our imperfections make us who we are and love those imperfections in the person you love. I love my husband so much and I truly am blessed!