Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Thin Line

Babies babies babies!!!! They are every where! My cousin's, Jason's cousin's, best friends, friends of friends, class mates, and the list goes on and on. It seems like everytime I turn around someone is having a baby EXCEPT us. This of course brings emotions of all kind. I am truely happy for these people but am I?

I have never been one to be jealous, I have always been happy with what I had and if I really wanted something, I knew if I worked hard enough, I could acheive. Unfortunatly, some things are out of our control. I am infertile! What control do I really have?

Maybe that is where the pain comes from everytime I know someone close to me is pregnant. Why? I am happy for that person. Am I jelous? Do I envy them? The more baby announcements I get, the stronger this feeling gets. I want that to be our announcement. Will it be us one day? All the queastions that run through my head. Maybe its the knowledge that may never be us.

Then their is the guilt of not feeling happy for them. The guilt of being upset and crying when this is the most wonderful thing to happen to them. Who is this person? I dont want to be that person. So, I hide how I really feel and embrace their pregnancy. I do whatever I can for them.

"We all recognize the right of infertiles to bubble over with anger simply thinking about the unfit parents. The drug addicts, abusers and Lohans of this world who never should have been given children to begin with." I read this on another maternal envy's blog and it made me remember the other emotion. Anger.

You then start comparing yourself to these people and wonder why God chooses them instead of you. You know he has a plan for you and you believe he wont give you more then you can handle but why? You just dont understand why I child would be given to someone that doesnt deserve them and that child has to suffer.

Then, there is the uncomfortable part. When you are face to face with babies and moms or you are with that friend or family that just had their bundle of joy and you put on that brave face but deep down inside you are crying.

I am not at the point of not being able to attend family events or baby showers but I do know some of my friends are. I hope I will never reach that point but I know sometimes, I really just dont want to deal with the emotions that day could bring.

Then there is the name, the name that Jason and you have planned to name your baby boy or girl since the day you had hope. The risk of someone taking that from you before you could because it so much easier for everyone else then you. Uggg, it happened and it hurt. I think that was the biggest emotion of all. The emotion of falure. I had failed my husband, my mom, his mom, my sisters, and best friends. I have cheated them out of grandkids, nieces and nephews. Its all my fault.

So, am I jelous? Yes! Am I hurt? yes! Am I angry? yes! Can I fix it? yes!

I have known all along this was not in my control. There was only one person that could make this happen for Jason and I. We know that and we believe that. We also know there is the chance this may not be in his plan for us.

I have relized after many bundles of joys of all my friends and families, it wasn’t that I was upset because they were pregnant. It was just that I wanted to be pregnant with them.

It’s a thin green line between bitterness and envy, one that I’m not too anxious to cross. Because as much as it may seem simpler some days to push away anyone who could ever even possibly beat me to the baby making punch; who would that leave to celebrate with me the day I finally get my good news?

I dont want to be lonely because I was incapable of staying behind that thin green line. And I don’t want those I love to feel as though I’ve lost my ability to be happy for them.

So in the interim (between now and my own two pink lines), I will hold back my feelings. Which I feel I have done quite well as of now.

At least until my turn comes around.


Kim said...

Thanks for visiting and commenting on my blog. I look forward to following your journey. i think what your feeling is perfectly normal. And I don't think it's really that we are not happy for others, I just think we are sad for ourselves, but we just don't know how to process such a bitter-sweet feeling....because God knows we would never wish this on anybody. It's such a strange place to be. You have the right attitude, we have to self-preserve sometimes. Know that you are not alone. xoxoxox

Coakley's Journey said...

Thanks Kim, I know I am not alone and I love being able to connect with other couples and see their journey as well.