5DP5DT.....and I am

GOING CRAZY! I dont remember last IVF the wait being so bad. Today I thought I would be stupid and take a Dollar Store test thinking its a $1. What does it matter if I waisted it. I think there was a faint line BUT I may be making things up. You know we tend to do that. As for symptoms, I have been very fatigue and light headed, boobs are sore, cramps started yesterday, and my husband said I am being clumpsy but I am on vaginal progesterone which could cause several of those things. So, I am trying to just make it through the weekend. I know I will probably POAS everyday now because I think there was a faint line but I have read where 6DP5DT getting a faint positive. SO it may not be too soon.....


Monday Monday where are yoU!!!!!

you should be able to read my post now....

Sorry, dont know what was going on. Hopefully everyone will be able to read my post now after Ready Set Go!

Good News keeps coming.....keep it coming.....

Okay, sorry its been a bit since I have wrote. So.....egg retreival was done on Monday. Went under with about 13 follicles, they retreived 8. I have prayed for 6 so I was really happy with that number. I was in allot of pain and took the next day off work, it was allot worse then last time and I am sure it was because the difference in stimilation.

Tuesday: fertility report, out of the 8, 6 fertilized, lets plan on the 3 day transfer on Thursday.

Wednesday, still in allot of pain, went to work but it sucked.

Thursday: called to check and make sure we were still doing 3 day transfer, she stated that of the 6, 5 of them were 8 cells and looked great and they wanted to wait for day 5 to see how many blastocyst plus the percentage is better.

Friday: just ready to get Thursday over, I was finally not feeling so sore in my belly

Saturday day of transfer. I remembered my last transfer and being so painful due to my bladder about to bust. So, I decided to take it easy and not chug the water they ask you to chug. Well, 2 hours later and 5 cups of water later, my bladder was full. Once again, I was shaking and crying because I had to peepee so bad and just couldnt. Then of course my Dr and husbandy had a sence of humor and thought while she was pushing on my bladder with the ultrasound and he was opening my uterus, they would talk about water fountains and streams. NOT FUNNY! Anyways, two gorgous blasts were transfered. The report that day of the 5, only 3 were blast. The others werent far behind and they were gonig to give them a few more days to see because they would only freeze blast. I was kinda disappointed that we only had 1 but I was hoping it didnt matter. Took the day easy and Sunday for the most part.

Today: called the Dr to get report on embroyos, all three made it to blast and I now have three gorgeous frozen blast. I started crying, what a piece of mind. Little less pressure off right, lol, who am I kidding.

April 18th is the day for bloodwork. I am of course going to do my best from peeing on a stick but I just have such a good feeling and so does our Dr. I am trying to hold back because of the big posssible disappointment but I am suppose to be positive and that is what I am trying to be....positive.

Thanks everyone for keeping me in your prayers......now we just wait!!!!

Trigger day......

I went today for u/s and today was the day for trigger. on Friday we went and they scared me because there was huge blob on my left ovary and the nurse thought it was a cyst which meant that we were going to cancel the cycle (of course I have already taken about $2500 in meds) she brings the Dr in and he finds that it is a follicle, thank goodness but it was like a 19 which means I needed to trigger that day. Remind you, Jason went to IL this weekend, if we triggered on Friday we would have had retrieval on Sunday which would have not worked. After looking closer, the big blob turned out to be three follicles on top of each other and they were not large enough to have to trigger that night. Went today, several 19, 18, 16, and some small ones. I couldnt really count as he was calling out the sizes but each ovary still has a promising at least 5. Like I told Jason, I dont even care about being in double digits which would be nice but 6 would be a good number. Thats 3 transfers. Hoping we want have to worry about that but I still would like to have that peace of mind.

So, tonight was the trigger. I am fine giving my self all of the shots (FSH, low dose HSG, and even the Ganirelix) because they use insulin needles which are easy to do in the belly and you dont really notice them. But, as most of you know the trigger shot is a whole different ball game. Goes in a muscle and a pretty large needle. Jason always gives that one to me as I hold Louie and try not to think about it. This time, I had to do it and i had no clue how i was going to do that. Well, after about 5 minutes of debating what to do, I managed to suck it up and get it in my hip. I pulled back and thought I saw blood, freaked and pulled out. Of course that meant I had to put the shot back in, gave what i thought all of the shot, pulled out and guess what med still in the syringe. So, had to actually give my self the same shot three times (Are you kidding me) lol.....we all could write books couldnt we.

I now wait till Monday at 6:30 AM scheduled for the retrieval. I will know that day how many was retrieved and then usually the next day a call advising how many were successfully fertilized. I am under the weather most of the retrieval day but if I get a moment I hope to leave yall an update of how many eggs I got, pray for 5 or more! :)

Fear Number 1

Alright, first ultrasound since baseline. I was so nervous going in. I just knew I didnt have that many just like last time. First ovary, a 10 which is awesome and then about 6 or 7 more which were all decent size based on CD I am on. other ovary, about the same thing about 6 or 7. So at this moment we have about a dozen (maybe baker dozen) of eggs that are growing well. So, fear number one has been put to rest.....

Now fear number two comes up and its that when they do retreival I will have empty follicles like last time and end up with three......just praying this will not happen.

Praying my mommyhood days are coming soon......

Ready! Set! Go......!

Baseline completed! Bloodwork completed! First day of shots have come and gone. So, now we begin. Everything looked good on our baseline check up last week and we started I took Femera on Sat along with my daily dose of HCG and Follistem. I remember all the medicine from last time but the dose is so much more. What put it in perspective, I received the follistem cartridge of 2 (900 IU) and 2 (600 IU) and I put it in the fridge next two the left over from last cycle which was a 300 IU cartridge, we only bought 2 cartridges that cycle and I didnt even use all of them. Now I am donig 300 IU a day plus 60IU of HCG a day. After three days of shot my belly is so black and blue. I have at least 10 more days of shots to go, where am I going to put them all. Positive note, its nice outside so I am wearing dresses and dont have to deal with the rubbing of pants or jeans. Plus, dont know if my jeans would button because of the swollen ovaries I have that make me feel 3 months pregnant. The things we will go through to get pregnant, almost forgetting about the 9 months of torture I am beggin for.

So, this IVF we have kept quiet. The last IVF we told our family every step of the way and called them the day we got the results. Of course, my momma couldnt get her excited mount quiet and told almost everyone in the town she lives in. We started getting congrats cards in the mail after I remember distingly telling mom, keep this quite until we are comfortable to tell everyone (3 months). So, we last the baby right at 3 months and when I went to IL to visit my mom, everyone was telling me congrats still. I felt so bad telling them we lost it plus I just really didnt want to talk about it right now. We love our families, we just wont to go through this together and we will include them soon enough. My mom is going to be so mad when she finds out but it is actually better for her emotionally becuase she would call me everyday, "how you feeling" "what you doing" "you been eatin right" ....blah blah blah. I know it comes from a loving plate but when you trying to be stress free it doesnt help.

We go on Wed for our first U/S, so nervous. I know we will have an idea at that point how many follicles we are working with. We are so nervous because I usually produce low and we only got 3 eggs last time to work with. I am nervous after everything we will be back in the same spot. So, everyone please keep us in your prayers!

change again.......

Okay, so I will make this long story short. The "DR of multiples" with the high sucess rate (our new RE) just didnt feel right. We went before vacation to what was suppose to be our IVF consultation. We met with nurse to go over medication and how to give myself a shot (like I dont already know that after 3 years of feritlity treatments) and go over the calendar, we then met with Dr who completed a vaginal ultrasound and did a Saline (trial) transfer, and then we went to pay our co-pay of $50.00, well or we thought. They slapped a $500 bill on us and we still dont know for what. I thought, this must be part of the $8,500 for the IVF, sat down with the financial nurse who advised it was not and it would cost us around $13,000 for the IVF including the meds and they dont have a payment plan or financing. The $13,000 would be due at start date of March 15th. So, we go home and start checking our accounts to see where we wanted to pull this amount from because its 2 weeks away......

Then it hit me. I dont like these people, the staff is rude, the Dr doesnt ask you questions he just tells you and schedules. Then they are making us pay $500 and for what, never explained the cost. Is this who we trust with an entire savings account to do what is right for us, what is best for us!

I dont think so. The reason we didnt go with our RE from prior IVF was because we felt robbed. We loved them and they loved us. It is the type of office where the nurses dont have to look at your chart to know your name or what is going on. (Insert about other Dr, they have to take our picture and put on our file, weird) After discussion, we thought we should at least hear him out as to why he thought we only had 1 quality egg out of an entire IVF cycle....we made appointment and met with him the Friday we left for vacation. He made us understand everything....we did what is called a mini stim IVF. The goal is not to provide eggs and is less medicine which in return is less money. He stated if we chose to go on with him for a second one, he would do a traditional which the goal is to produce as many eggs in a healthy way. YEAHHHH!!!!!! And by the way, they have a payment plan if we wanted to utilize and cheaper.



SOOOO.....change again is the RE. We are back with Dr Lipari and we are so happy and comfortable about that. We got the calendar in the mail yesterday. We have our baseline ultrasound Tuesday and then start with the injections. He was not kidding about last IVF being less meds. Just to sum it up there are 11 catagories on the chart for meds and I have something in every colum. I am going to be one toxic woman.

Keep us in your prayers as we go through this, again! : )

Plan B (once again)

Well, guess what. 2 clomid cycles with IUI later....still no positive. That is a total of 6 IUI's and not one has worked. Our insurance only covers 6 lifetime IUI cycles so if we did decide to do another one it would be out of pocket. We did switch RE's this year so only 2 of those cycles were with him and he does recommend 3 before moving on to IVF but I just think we are tired of going through the process with no positive outcome. So......dundundun.......we are moving on to IVF!!!!!

Ugghhhh...nerves, butterflies, negativity, optimistic, scared, and so many more feelings come about when talking about doing another IVF cycle. We are hoping with this new RE, he will not be as conservative and we will at least get embroyos that we can freeze. Last time we eneded up with 3 at egg retrieval, only 2 matured, and we transferred both. when we lost the baby, we were not able to do a frozen cycle. I will feel so much better if we have that option after the transfer. I hope we get a miracle like last time and get pregnant on the first try, our new Dr is known as the Dr of multiple but I would love to have more then one so I am not that nervous about that. We have a great support system that would help us along the way.

Well girls and my few guy followers, here we go. The new journey of the IVF cycle. We meet with the Dr on valentines day to discuss the cost and the procedure. We will know then more about when we are looking on starting the cycle. we do have a vacation plan early March, so we are thinking after that.

Has it come to this....

One of my friends was in labor last night and I went early this morning to take items to the hospital they needed. I was there for a couple of hours and she was in so much pain. Only 7cm dialated and not moving plus the epidual didnt work. I couldnt help my self wishing I was the one in pain. Has it come to me wanting to be in pain and wanting to hurt the way she was hurting. You would think, this girl is sick! She needs help! I just think the absentee hurts worse then any labor pain.

Thinking about it, I dont know so much I wanted her pain as I wanted the good pain. That is wonderful pain, knowing you are going to meet for the first time your beautiful little boy or girl. A little pain is worth it. The pain I feel doesnt feel like it is ever going to end. No end in sight.

On a happy note, she ended up having a c-section and delivered a 6lb 2ounce baby boy. I just have to keep believing and have faith that this one day will be me. That my husband will be the one needing the Dr Pepper at 4:30 in the morning.

God, I know this is all a test. I believe I have passed with flying colors! Please give me my miracle!?!?!?

OV day 1

So, I decided this cycle that I would try the Ov-Watch to see. I had read some reviews of PCOSers who used it and was pregnant within first few cycles. not many that advised false positive like pee sticks. so, yesterday was OV1. YEAH!!!! Its crazy. It tells you 4 days in advise of FD1-4 then you have OV 1 and 2. So, I dont know....quite a nice time period. So we BD only two of the days because of my crazy schedule right now but never the less. Hopefully, this is what we need. If not we did go ahead and make an apt with a new RE we are looking at using. Our apt is Nov 8th We have heard really awesome things about him so we will see.

I know I completed a check list prior but I think we are just ready to move forward. not everything is going to be perfect and honestly my job is just going to have to deal with it. its a part of life for allot of people to go through infertility.

Job Interview

Well, had job interview on Friday which will help us decide how soon we can start back our fertility treatments. Due to the position I am in now, it is really hard to get personal time and sometimes we work 60 year weeks, like now, which makes it hard to plan a cycle because we know that never goes as planned. So, hopefully I will get this job and have a normal 40 hour week schedule and be a less stressful environement. This would allow us to start planning our cycle now instead of waiting till the beginning of the year when we are slow.

As for who to start it with, that is a different subject. Our last RE was awesome. We loved him and his staff. However, I felt as if he is very conservative and it cost to much money to be that way. We went into egg retrival with 7 follicles, only retreived 3 eggs and only 2 took. Which means we had none to freeze for a frozen cycle. I just feel like we didnt get all we could out of the cycle. I am so happy he got us pregnant the first time but I just want to explore my options.

There is another RE in town who has a very high sucess rate and is the same price as our prior RE. A friend of mine used him and loved him. She got pregnant the first transfer with twins. He is known as the Dr of multiples which could be a good and bad thing. Means he is aggressive but do I want to be too agressive.

When we get a day, we are going to make an apt with his office and see if he is someone we would be comfortable using. I am so ready though. I feel more eager and eager everyday but also nervous to start this process again.

So the check list begins:

1) get more flexiable job
2) get physcially ready
3) get emotionaly ready
4) get financially ready
5) pray, pray, pray......

Thin Line

Babies babies babies!!!! They are every where! My cousin's, Jason's cousin's, best friends, friends of friends, class mates, and the list goes on and on. It seems like everytime I turn around someone is having a baby EXCEPT us. This of course brings emotions of all kind. I am truely happy for these people but am I?

I have never been one to be jealous, I have always been happy with what I had and if I really wanted something, I knew if I worked hard enough, I could acheive. Unfortunatly, some things are out of our control. I am infertile! What control do I really have?

Maybe that is where the pain comes from everytime I know someone close to me is pregnant. Why? I am happy for that person. Am I jelous? Do I envy them? The more baby announcements I get, the stronger this feeling gets. I want that to be our announcement. Will it be us one day? All the queastions that run through my head. Maybe its the knowledge that may never be us.

Then their is the guilt of not feeling happy for them. The guilt of being upset and crying when this is the most wonderful thing to happen to them. Who is this person? I dont want to be that person. So, I hide how I really feel and embrace their pregnancy. I do whatever I can for them.

"We all recognize the right of infertiles to bubble over with anger simply thinking about the unfit parents. The drug addicts, abusers and Lohans of this world who never should have been given children to begin with." I read this on another maternal envy's blog and it made me remember the other emotion. Anger.

You then start comparing yourself to these people and wonder why God chooses them instead of you. You know he has a plan for you and you believe he wont give you more then you can handle but why? You just dont understand why I child would be given to someone that doesnt deserve them and that child has to suffer.

Then, there is the uncomfortable part. When you are face to face with babies and moms or you are with that friend or family that just had their bundle of joy and you put on that brave face but deep down inside you are crying.

I am not at the point of not being able to attend family events or baby showers but I do know some of my friends are. I hope I will never reach that point but I know sometimes, I really just dont want to deal with the emotions that day could bring.

Then there is the name, the name that Jason and you have planned to name your baby boy or girl since the day you had hope. The risk of someone taking that from you before you could because it so much easier for everyone else then you. Uggg, it happened and it hurt. I think that was the biggest emotion of all. The emotion of falure. I had failed my husband, my mom, his mom, my sisters, and best friends. I have cheated them out of grandkids, nieces and nephews. Its all my fault.

So, am I jelous? Yes! Am I hurt? yes! Am I angry? yes! Can I fix it? yes!

I have known all along this was not in my control. There was only one person that could make this happen for Jason and I. We know that and we believe that. We also know there is the chance this may not be in his plan for us.

I have relized after many bundles of joys of all my friends and families, it wasn’t that I was upset because they were pregnant. It was just that I wanted to be pregnant with them.

It’s a thin green line between bitterness and envy, one that I’m not too anxious to cross. Because as much as it may seem simpler some days to push away anyone who could ever even possibly beat me to the baby making punch; who would that leave to celebrate with me the day I finally get my good news?

I dont want to be lonely because I was incapable of staying behind that thin green line. And I don’t want those I love to feel as though I’ve lost my ability to be happy for them.

So in the interim (between now and my own two pink lines), I will hold back my feelings. Which I feel I have done quite well as of now.

At least until my turn comes around.

GTL: Gym, Tan, Laundry

Seriously, doesnt it make you mad. Why is it not WGTL...where is the W for work? They make $60,000 an episode and if you dont know who they is, its Jersey Shore. GTL stands for gym, tan, and laundry. I happen to watch the show before going to work this morning and while I am at work I started thinking about it. A guy that people know for his abs and ridiculous nickname, "the situation" gets 6 figures for his autobiography. This is what this world has come too. We are more interested in watching people that make up sayings for things that already have words and have crazy nicknames like J WOWWW and Snoookie then about politics and education. Then we all wonder why are kids dont know who the Vice President is or what the senate is. We also have kids starving and people needing help but someone is paying these kids millions of dollars for appearances. Does anyone else not see the problem?

Well, back to reality. Jason and I have started thinking about trying again. I think enough time has passed since loosing baby nugget and we are just ready to try again. Since working out I have had 2 periods on my own. Not regular but hey, its something. I use to have nothing. I go to my OBGYN next week to see if she will put me back on Clomid. I figure we will start small and go big again. Maybe with the weight loss, I may not need to go and have another IVF. Lord willing, maybe my body will treat me better then last time. I bought a ovulation watch because I heard with PCOS they are the best bet. We will see....everyone please keep Jason and I in your prayers. We are waiting on God to tell us what he wants to do and this just seems right for some reason.

and still counting....

June 2010....




Now...




Well, the goal of being fit and young again is still happening. Jason has lost about 27 pounds and looks handsome as ever. I have lost 15 pounds and feel amazing. I am now in a size ten which when I started I was a size 14. That is a huge deal for me. I have not been taking progesterone and off metformine and I naturally started my period this month. What? Yes, I started all on my own. That just doesnt happen so I am excited and feel that my body fat decreasing is truly helping my hormones. I continue to pray.....

We recently went on the most amazing and needed vacation. Jason and I go on vacations every year but this was the first one with just me and him and honestly, it was amazing! I believe every couple needs to get away sometimes and step back and realize how much you mean to each other. We went on a cruise out of San Juan to Barbados, Antigua, St Lucia, and St Croix. I have photos on my facebook. I will try to copy the album for all to see.

After the vacation, one of my best friends was asking how the vacation was and stated that Jason and I deserved it. I asked her what she meant by that and she stated that it was crazy where we were a year ago and how much has changed in a year. I thought for a minute what she meant and then I realized just how strong our love has grown for each other through all our trial and tributes. Jason and I have gone through so much in our first 4 years of marriage. I know it has made us the strong couple we are today. I am so proud of my husband for the man he has become and I couldn't be more blessed. I love him and our live that we have created. I love that our family has stuck by us through everything and have helped us create the life we have. I know God had his reason taking our first from us and I know when he is ready he will bless us with a beautiful baby and until that day, I am just enjoying all he has given me.

Really, if you have thought you wish things were different...think about what you are asking. Look at those that have it different and are they really better off then you are? I really do feel for those that take marriage for granted and take the "easy road" when times get tough. Love your spouse unconditionally and realize that God made none of us perfect. Our imperfections make us who we are and love those imperfections in the person you love. I love my husband so much and I truly am blessed!

Beginning of the new "us"

Hey everyone! Wow, havent been on here in forever. I guess after all the emotional pain of the rollercoaster of life it was hard for me to write. Plus I had started this lovely job of mine that keeps me busy all the time. Never any down time. Plus, my daddy purchased my Grandma's house and we don't like it sitting there with no one in it so I am now the property manager and I keep it up and rent it out. IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED, let me know. Its a vacation rental in the Golden Isles of GA (St Simons, Jekyll Island, and Brunswick) lol, just thought i would throw that in there.

As for what is going on in our life. Well, after the miscarriage we tried one more round of IUI as you all know. It didnt work. We then went a different route of prayer for a good 6 months. No medicine or anything. I then started feeling sick and tired all the time. Went to the Dr. and I had to be put back on Progestorone, Thyroid medicine, and B12 shots. I have been on them for about 4 months now and have made quite the difference. I also started back with accupuncture and did this for about 4 months strait. Due to the amount of money it was costing, unforuntately it was just not something that we could keep doing right now. The progesterone helped with monthly periods but still unknown if I am ovulating.

Jason and I felt that we just need a vacation. We have booked our self on a 7 day cruise of the eastern caribbean end of Aug. We are so excited. I also have read so much about how much PCOSisters that have lost 20 pounds it has helped with their ovulation. Jason and I both so out of shape compared to our athletic days. We decide as a couple to start personal training. WHAT!? Yeah, personal training 3 times a week. It has been harsh but I can already see results in Jason and I. Of course more in Jason because he is a guy and drops pounds like its water but oh well, I am still doing good.

So, instead of a blog of our fertility journey (which this is still a part of our journey to parenthood) this will discuss our weightloss.

So, here we go. This is week 3 and we will soon know what results we have had. Without numbers, I know that I can do about 20 more pushups then when we started and several more sit ups. So, I know its working just not sure where yet...lol......keep posted.