Thin Line

Babies babies babies!!!! They are every where! My cousin's, Jason's cousin's, best friends, friends of friends, class mates, and the list goes on and on. It seems like everytime I turn around someone is having a baby EXCEPT us. This of course brings emotions of all kind. I am truely happy for these people but am I?

I have never been one to be jealous, I have always been happy with what I had and if I really wanted something, I knew if I worked hard enough, I could acheive. Unfortunatly, some things are out of our control. I am infertile! What control do I really have?

Maybe that is where the pain comes from everytime I know someone close to me is pregnant. Why? I am happy for that person. Am I jelous? Do I envy them? The more baby announcements I get, the stronger this feeling gets. I want that to be our announcement. Will it be us one day? All the queastions that run through my head. Maybe its the knowledge that may never be us.

Then their is the guilt of not feeling happy for them. The guilt of being upset and crying when this is the most wonderful thing to happen to them. Who is this person? I dont want to be that person. So, I hide how I really feel and embrace their pregnancy. I do whatever I can for them.

"We all recognize the right of infertiles to bubble over with anger simply thinking about the unfit parents. The drug addicts, abusers and Lohans of this world who never should have been given children to begin with." I read this on another maternal envy's blog and it made me remember the other emotion. Anger.

You then start comparing yourself to these people and wonder why God chooses them instead of you. You know he has a plan for you and you believe he wont give you more then you can handle but why? You just dont understand why I child would be given to someone that doesnt deserve them and that child has to suffer.

Then, there is the uncomfortable part. When you are face to face with babies and moms or you are with that friend or family that just had their bundle of joy and you put on that brave face but deep down inside you are crying.

I am not at the point of not being able to attend family events or baby showers but I do know some of my friends are. I hope I will never reach that point but I know sometimes, I really just dont want to deal with the emotions that day could bring.

Then there is the name, the name that Jason and you have planned to name your baby boy or girl since the day you had hope. The risk of someone taking that from you before you could because it so much easier for everyone else then you. Uggg, it happened and it hurt. I think that was the biggest emotion of all. The emotion of falure. I had failed my husband, my mom, his mom, my sisters, and best friends. I have cheated them out of grandkids, nieces and nephews. Its all my fault.

So, am I jelous? Yes! Am I hurt? yes! Am I angry? yes! Can I fix it? yes!

I have known all along this was not in my control. There was only one person that could make this happen for Jason and I. We know that and we believe that. We also know there is the chance this may not be in his plan for us.

I have relized after many bundles of joys of all my friends and families, it wasn’t that I was upset because they were pregnant. It was just that I wanted to be pregnant with them.

It’s a thin green line between bitterness and envy, one that I’m not too anxious to cross. Because as much as it may seem simpler some days to push away anyone who could ever even possibly beat me to the baby making punch; who would that leave to celebrate with me the day I finally get my good news?

I dont want to be lonely because I was incapable of staying behind that thin green line. And I don’t want those I love to feel as though I’ve lost my ability to be happy for them.

So in the interim (between now and my own two pink lines), I will hold back my feelings. Which I feel I have done quite well as of now.

At least until my turn comes around.

GTL: Gym, Tan, Laundry

Seriously, doesnt it make you mad. Why is it not WGTL...where is the W for work? They make $60,000 an episode and if you dont know who they is, its Jersey Shore. GTL stands for gym, tan, and laundry. I happen to watch the show before going to work this morning and while I am at work I started thinking about it. A guy that people know for his abs and ridiculous nickname, "the situation" gets 6 figures for his autobiography. This is what this world has come too. We are more interested in watching people that make up sayings for things that already have words and have crazy nicknames like J WOWWW and Snoookie then about politics and education. Then we all wonder why are kids dont know who the Vice President is or what the senate is. We also have kids starving and people needing help but someone is paying these kids millions of dollars for appearances. Does anyone else not see the problem?

Well, back to reality. Jason and I have started thinking about trying again. I think enough time has passed since loosing baby nugget and we are just ready to try again. Since working out I have had 2 periods on my own. Not regular but hey, its something. I use to have nothing. I go to my OBGYN next week to see if she will put me back on Clomid. I figure we will start small and go big again. Maybe with the weight loss, I may not need to go and have another IVF. Lord willing, maybe my body will treat me better then last time. I bought a ovulation watch because I heard with PCOS they are the best bet. We will see....everyone please keep Jason and I in your prayers. We are waiting on God to tell us what he wants to do and this just seems right for some reason.

and still counting....

June 2010....




Now...




Well, the goal of being fit and young again is still happening. Jason has lost about 27 pounds and looks handsome as ever. I have lost 15 pounds and feel amazing. I am now in a size ten which when I started I was a size 14. That is a huge deal for me. I have not been taking progesterone and off metformine and I naturally started my period this month. What? Yes, I started all on my own. That just doesnt happen so I am excited and feel that my body fat decreasing is truly helping my hormones. I continue to pray.....

We recently went on the most amazing and needed vacation. Jason and I go on vacations every year but this was the first one with just me and him and honestly, it was amazing! I believe every couple needs to get away sometimes and step back and realize how much you mean to each other. We went on a cruise out of San Juan to Barbados, Antigua, St Lucia, and St Croix. I have photos on my facebook. I will try to copy the album for all to see.

After the vacation, one of my best friends was asking how the vacation was and stated that Jason and I deserved it. I asked her what she meant by that and she stated that it was crazy where we were a year ago and how much has changed in a year. I thought for a minute what she meant and then I realized just how strong our love has grown for each other through all our trial and tributes. Jason and I have gone through so much in our first 4 years of marriage. I know it has made us the strong couple we are today. I am so proud of my husband for the man he has become and I couldn't be more blessed. I love him and our live that we have created. I love that our family has stuck by us through everything and have helped us create the life we have. I know God had his reason taking our first from us and I know when he is ready he will bless us with a beautiful baby and until that day, I am just enjoying all he has given me.

Really, if you have thought you wish things were different...think about what you are asking. Look at those that have it different and are they really better off then you are? I really do feel for those that take marriage for granted and take the "easy road" when times get tough. Love your spouse unconditionally and realize that God made none of us perfect. Our imperfections make us who we are and love those imperfections in the person you love. I love my husband so much and I truly am blessed!

Beginning of the new "us"

Hey everyone! Wow, havent been on here in forever. I guess after all the emotional pain of the rollercoaster of life it was hard for me to write. Plus I had started this lovely job of mine that keeps me busy all the time. Never any down time. Plus, my daddy purchased my Grandma's house and we don't like it sitting there with no one in it so I am now the property manager and I keep it up and rent it out. IF ANYONE IS INTERESTED, let me know. Its a vacation rental in the Golden Isles of GA (St Simons, Jekyll Island, and Brunswick) lol, just thought i would throw that in there.

As for what is going on in our life. Well, after the miscarriage we tried one more round of IUI as you all know. It didnt work. We then went a different route of prayer for a good 6 months. No medicine or anything. I then started feeling sick and tired all the time. Went to the Dr. and I had to be put back on Progestorone, Thyroid medicine, and B12 shots. I have been on them for about 4 months now and have made quite the difference. I also started back with accupuncture and did this for about 4 months strait. Due to the amount of money it was costing, unforuntately it was just not something that we could keep doing right now. The progesterone helped with monthly periods but still unknown if I am ovulating.

Jason and I felt that we just need a vacation. We have booked our self on a 7 day cruise of the eastern caribbean end of Aug. We are so excited. I also have read so much about how much PCOSisters that have lost 20 pounds it has helped with their ovulation. Jason and I both so out of shape compared to our athletic days. We decide as a couple to start personal training. WHAT!? Yeah, personal training 3 times a week. It has been harsh but I can already see results in Jason and I. Of course more in Jason because he is a guy and drops pounds like its water but oh well, I am still doing good.

So, instead of a blog of our fertility journey (which this is still a part of our journey to parenthood) this will discuss our weightloss.

So, here we go. This is week 3 and we will soon know what results we have had. Without numbers, I know that I can do about 20 more pushups then when we started and several more sit ups. So, I know its working just not sure where yet...lol......keep posted.

I have started a shop, right now I only have Christmas ornaments but soon to have more stuff....please check it out

Southern Charm

Sorry its been so long....

Hey everyone. I am so sorry it has been so long since my last post. Just been having so much going on I havent had time to write anything.

Loosing our baby was probably the hardest thing on both Jason and I and we have been coping. After the D&C, we decided to try a round of artificial insemination with the hopes of still being fertile and unfortunatly it did not take. That is when we decided it was time to take a break and breath before starting again. Going back to back for 1 1/2 years had worn on us emotionally and physically. It has been nice not to worry about Dr. apt or medicine.

Based on the outcome of the last IVF, we know IVF is going to be our way to go. The best thing about all the experience we have gone through is we KNOW we can get pregnant, we just might have to pay to get pregnant unless God has other plans for us, which we are open too.

We are doing great though, just been really busy with my new job and Jason completing his degree which by the way he made the Dean's list once again for the semester. I am so proud of him.

Well I better get back to work. I will try not to take months before I do another post. By the way, Happy late Thanksgiving to all!

1 yr anniversary

Hey everyone...I know its been a while since I posted but we were just getting past the emotional part. It has gotten allot easier. This month marks the one year anniverary that we have been with our reproductive specialist. The things we have learned, been through, and experience have been quite the book I wont write but hopeuflly I will not have to write our 2 year anniversary post next year.

We did decided after speaking with our RE that we are going to try an IUI cycle since our insurance will pay for 3 more. It didnt work for us before but why not give it a shot? I will keep everyone posted. We go to our baseline this Friday, if everything looks good (if I have heeled completely) then we will start the medications and get the ball rolling. Please keep us in your prayers as we start the infertility journey once again.

Branson Pictures

Our baby is in Good Hands

Just wanted to check in and let yall know the D&C went well this morning. No complications. Feeling really crampy and tired but glad its over. They said I should be healed physically within a few days but emotionally time will tell. I love my Dr for that, its not all about the medicine. He has gone through the same exact situation and you could tell it was hurting him watching us go through it. They are going to send the embryo off for testing, hopefully it will give us some answers.

I guess I woke up out of anesthesia historically crying. Probably due to all the emotions that build up but I had a lovely and unexpected visit when I was under. I was with my Grandma, sitting with me holding my hand and telling me everything was going to be okay and she would take care of our little one and how proud she was of us for being so strong and keeping our trust in the Lord. I joked with her in my dream and said she was just getting lonely and wanted a Great Grand to play with, we laughed (seeing that wonderful big smile of my Grandma's one time just made everything seem better). I told Jason about my visit and the joke and he laughed saying that's probably true. Being with her even is a dream really help with closure knowing that our baby was in good hands.

Sad Day

Yesterday went to what was suppose to be my graduation from my RE but ended up being a goodbye to this chapter in our life. Yesterday our Dr. was not able to find the heartbeat of our little one. The baby was still there but measured at around 9 weeks, which I would have been 9 weeks 6 days. For an hour he tried many different ways but it was just not there. So, sadly I write the passing of our first baby. Due to me still carrying I have to schedule a D&C. They are going to test the embryo to see if they can give us an answer as to "WHY". Just maybe, maybe, that will give us same closer. Jason and I both appreciate all your prayers and we know this is not mean we will not be able to have a family. Just means it will not start in March. We are still going to do what we need to do and we know that the Lord has a plan for us. We just have to trust him.

7 week checkup

Today was our 7 week ultrasound with the RE and everything was perfect. The baby doubled in size to 1CM and the heartbeat was strong. We were so excited and realize to see our little miracle still growing. The baby has been good to me, everyone asked me at the Dr. how I was feeling expecting the worst but to be honest I have had a great 7 weeks. I don't really get nauseated and if I do its not severe and I have yet to have had to hug the toilet. So, I am very happy that I have had a great first trimester so far but I am glad that I have had an U/s every week because with the lack of pregnancy symptoms, I would be going crazy not knowing if everything was okay if I wasn't able to get that report every week. I go to my OBGYN on Tuesday and then my next U/S will not be till we get back from vacation on the 10th. Hopefully I will be able to make it :)

Sneak Peak

Here is the first pic of our little baby! Its a amazing. This is a 6 week picture and its a little miracle. We did get to see the flutter of the heart beat. It was the most amazing thing ever. This is a miracle and again, thanks for everyone that was praying. We beat medical odds and we all know there is only one person that makes ANYTHING happen.

Missing her....

Its been about 5 months since my Grandma passed. I have been doing pretty good lately but the day I found out I was pregnent, it has gotten hard again. It was so hard, I wanted to dial her number, I wanted to call her up and tell her that Amanda and Jason were finally going to be real parents (she didnt consider Louie making us paretns...lol) She use to say, "you better treat your kids BETTER then you do that dog" I loved her, she knew how to make any situation a great situation.

I wanted to share the hapiness and joy with her because she had been praying with us, for us, through it all. She was there for us, when we needed a break I went and spent a weekend with her and we would just sit around the house and talk and talk. I love her so much and still miss her greatly. After not being able to call her I know that my baby has an amazing gaurdian angel, one that will watch over them and love them. I knew that she had a hand in picking out our perfect miracle baby. It made me feel so much better thinking about her watching over but oh how I wish I could go through this experience with her. I never though I would have to do it without her, she was suppose to live to 100. My kids were suppose to know her.

Okay, I am starting to cry at work so I just needed to share.

Not so fun....but now I feel pregnant

Well the last week I went from worrying that the test might be a false positive to I am so ready for my second trimester. This baby has made me tired, dizzy, and not hungry. I know I have to eat though so I make my self eat as much as possible but I have lost a couple of pounds. My Dr. said this is normal because I will be sensitive to certain foods, she told me to eat whatever I can and try small meals which it seems to help. I dont really get morning sickness, I get afternoon sickness, I left work early yesterday because I got clammy and dizzy and knew I needed to lay down. Migraines have been the worst. Tomorrwo I have an acupuncture appointment and I am going to see if she can help my daily headaches. I think they are the main reason I get so sick in the afternoon.

A week and a day we will do our first ultrasound and I am so counting the days. We have the first ultrasound picture, they printed a picture of the embryo in my uterus after they transfered it. Now I cant wait to add to it and make a pregancy book. Just cant wait. I hope baby is healthy and growing. Its hard not knowing right now. I worry and pray everyday. I bought a week by week book which has helped because my symptoms have matched up. It makes sense of stuff and is helping me allot. Also casting my fears to the Lord, that has been the biggest relief.

Its a MIRACLE!

Okay, due to a few emails regarding the results I guess it wasnt fair to countdown to testing and then not tell the results. We did get the results back yesterday and they were positive. I AM FINALLY PREGNANT!

Now, I do ask for family and friends that read the blog to keep to your self for the time being. At least till our first appointment on July 16th. There are just so many things that can go wrong from now to then like being a chemical pregnancy and I just want to be 100% certain before we tell the world, although we really really want to. I knew I had to update the blog because everyone knew we had tested yesterday and were wanting the results.

We are both so excited. I think I am still in shock, its hard to believe right now. I didnt listen to anything the Dr. said yesterday after congradulations so I will be calling him back today. I think when you have so many negative after negative, when you get a positive its like you are in fear of the next thing to go wrong. I am trying to stay positive but its hard because I have all these thoughts running in my head. I do believe it was the power of prayer, a miracle. Thanks for everyone that kept us in your prayers and I ask you continue to do so as we get throug this first trimester.